Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship? Find Out How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
Marriage and Family Therapist Julie Booksch answered several questions posed by BOYT in order to help our readers understand what it takes to keep a healthy relationship alive and well, and what it is we may be doing to sabotage our relationship. Booksch works with individual, couples, families and groups to address relationship issues, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, grief and abuse. She earned a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling from Our Lady of Holy Cross College in New Orleans, LA.
BOYT: With your work in relationships and couples therapy, what are some of the most common problems that couples experience?
Julie A Booksh: Of course, there are the topics we’ve all heard about—money, sex, in-laws, parenting. These topics can certainly be life stressors, but the way they are discussed if often the problem.
BOYT: Do you find that many of the issues that couples experience are actually projections of unfulfilled needs?
Julie A Booksh: Yes, I do. Unfulfilled needs become an issue when we consistently attempt to make our partners responsible for fulfilling them—the “you complete me” mentality.
BOYT: Please share your thoughts on common behaviors that couples demonstrate that lead to an eventual breakdown of a relationship.
Julie A Booksh: Criticism is one behavior that certainly leads to relationship breakdown. There is a difference between discussing issues that bother us and attacking someone’s character.
Pervasive negativity is another. This is when everything is viewed through a negative lens.
Avoidance is another big one. When couples avoid issues or sweep them under a rug, this catches up to them over time.
BOYT: What are your suggested daily practices for couples to stay connected?
Julie A Booksh: Spending as little as 10 to 15 minutes a day connecting works. This time is uninterrupted, which means no phones, TVs, computers, etc. This works best when couples can pick a time each day to do this; this way there doesn’t need to be a daily discussion about when this will occur. This time is for you, so limit problem-solving and logistics.
BOYT: For couples who have experienced years of disconnect and lack of intimacy within their relationship, is it possible to reconnect? If so, what steps should be taken to rekindle the romance and regain a connection?
Julie A Booksh: Absolutely! There are many ways couple can do this. They can begin by doing something new together. This can be a physical activity like hiking or skiing, or it can be going to a theater or town they’ve never visited. There are many options. This creates that sense of newness felt in the early stages of relationship.
Also, I encourage couples to learn healthy ways to communicate, especially when it comes to conflict. Learn how to fight fairly. Part of fighting fairly means really listening when my partner is speaking versus jumping in to take my turn. I can also summarize what I heard my partner say in order to make sure I am hearing him/her correctly and not adding my own meaning or interpretation. Couples workshops or counseling can be of tremendous help
BOYT: What are some of the most destructive statements that couples commonly communicate to each other?
Julie A Booksh: Specific statements are different for each couple. Intentionally criticizing someone’s insecurity or character ranks among the most destructive.
BOYT: Remaining connected to your partner can be incredibly difficult when life is hectic and chaotic, and you’re balancing family and commitments. What suggestions do you have for couples to create a partnership in the chaos?
Julie A Booksh: This goes back to connecting daily and keeping communication open. Also, be specific with each other about what needs to get done and who will do what.
BOYT: Many people may discover when in a relationship that they have many unresolved issues personally. What questions should a person ask themselves before getting married or going into a very serious relationship?
Julie A Booksh: Yes, relationships often reveal unresolved personal issues and push us to grow. Some important questions to ask are:
How do we handle conflict? Are we respecting one another even in the midst of conflict?
Do we give ourselves the time and attention we need? Do we give our relationship the time and attention it needs?
Do we express our appreciation of each other?
Am I willing to grow and learn? Is my partner willing?
BOYT: Lastly, if you can offer couples one piece of advice, what would you say?
Julie A Booksh: Don’t let issues linger. Work to resolve them, and get help doing so if necessary.
About Julie A Booksh
Marriage and Family Therapist, Julie A Booksh, earned a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling from the Our Lady of Holy Cross College in New Orleans, LA. She has extensive experience working with individuals, couples, and families from varying backgrounds and cultures. She has worked with clients addressing therapeutic issues including relationship issues, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, and abuse. She has also facilitated PAIRS educational groups for couples where clients work toward fostering intimacy, constructive conflict resolution, and emotional awareness.
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