What to Do When Your Husband Shouldn’t Drive
Here are some strategies from real caregiving wives who found ways to cope with the mobility question. In every case, they made an effort to be compassionate and respectful of their husbands’ feelings, while standing strong.
Make your car off limits.
If your husband’s driving is truly dangerous, tell him he can drive his car, but not yours. For some husbands, this may not be any inconvenience at all. Nevertheless, the idea isn’t to make his life harder; it’s to stand behind your convictions and show him how concerned you are.
Stop being his passenger.
Tell him that you do not feel safe in the passenger seat, so you won’t drive with him anymore. For a husband, this can be a devastating turn of events. He may be used to taking Sunday drives with you, or double parking while you run in to stores to do his errands. It sends a strong message.
Consult an attorney.
Due to the potentially serious nature of this matter, one wife called the couple’s attorney to determine what her liability would be if the husband were to have an accident. Her attorney offered to speak with her husband about it. While consulting an outside source can be a powerful solution, be sensitive to the fact that it may be embarrassing or even humiliating for the husband.
Suggest a safe driver assessment.
The National DriveABLE program offers driver assessments for medically at-risk drivers. The test results are reported to the motor vehicle department, and he could lose his license. If your husband agrees to take his assessment, then the wife needs to be prepared to graciously accept the results—even if he passes.
Show him other available options.
It’s possible that if your husband had more mobility options available to him, he’d be willing to give up driving. Do some research on car services, taxicab rates, and even college kid chauffeurs in your area. If he’s involved in group activities—goes to a weekly poker game or group walk at the mall—look into car pooling and, of course, public transportation. If many of his “outings” are nearby—to the corner store or to the nearby park—look into an electric scooter that drives on the sidewalk.
Agree to disagree.
If you’ve discussed, argued, reasoned, disagreed, and circled around the topic of his driving many times—and it’s become an enormous sore spot in your marriage—you may need to simply arrive at and agree on some ground rules. One couple agreed to disagree. The wife stated her concerns about his safety and the safety of pedestrians and other drivers, and simply said she would leave it up to him to decide when he should no longer drive. End of discussion.
With all of the above strategies, it’s not about “winning.” It’s about achieving a kind of equanimity and balance in the household so the caregiving wife and her husband can live in peace, without adding more stress to an already strained marriage.
By Diana Denholm, PhD, LMHC
Adapted from her new book, “The Caregiving Wife’s Handbook”
About Diana Denholm
Diana B. Denholm, PhD, LMHC, has been a board-certified psychotherapist for more than 30 years. For 11 years, she was the primary caregiver to her husband during a series of grave illnesses. More detailed guidance, support, and resources are in her new book, The Caregiving Wife's Handbook: Compassionate Strategies, Stories of Success (Hunter House, 2012, www.caregivingwife.com).
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