Shed the Light and Bring Awareness to this Matter
Author and advocate for victims of child sex abuse Randy Ellison, himself a victim as a teen, is trying to do something about it, because, he says, we can’t stop the cycle unless the abuse is acknowledged, talked about, understood and prevented. We interviewed Ellison and discussed his book Boys Don’t Tell in an effort to shed some light on this chilling subject. Ellison is a victim’s advocate and activist for cultural change regarding child sexual abuse. He works with several organizations on abuse prevention and awareness.
BOYT: Your story is so compelling—sexually abused as a teen by your pastor, someone you considered your friend and mentor. What is your hope for sharing it in your book Boys Don’t Tell?
Randy Ellison: Originally writing the poetry that is in the book was part of my healing process. It expresses what I was feeling and experiencing as I went through therapy unpacking all of the distortions caused by the abuse and it repercussions. I decided that what I had gone through might help other survivors in finding their way and possibly even help family members understand their loved ones who had suffered abuse as a child.
BOYT: You share some shocking statistics in Boys Don’t Tell. Just how pervasive is child sexual abuse?
Randy Ellison: Statistics and experts in the field tell us that one-in-six boys and one in three or four girls are sexually abused before they turn 18. That means that approximately twenty million men and thirty plus million women totaling twenty to twenty-five percent of the adult population of the United States were sexually abused as children.
BOYT: You say that sexual abuse of children is actually accepted by the majority, the government and our institutions. Can you address this? How, why is this even possible?
Randy Ellison: To start, we consider sexual abuse of children a heinous and horrific crime. We prefer to not picture it happening and we definitely do not want to imagine someone we know doing these things. Perpetrators are not strangers dressed in dark clothes hanging out around schools and ice cream shops. Over 90 percent of perpetrators are known to the victim and over 40 percent are family members. What would you say if someone accused your brother, father, uncle, minister or teacher of abuse?
Likewise when institutions get a report of suspected abuse by a long-time employee they use any rationale to dismiss it. “It probably didn’t happen and if it did we’ll just believe him (or her) when they say it won’t ever happen again. Okay, now we can move on and get back to a more acceptable reality.”
Government laws are lax on child sexual abuse. And the same conditions described above apply. Most people, statistically ninety percent, never report the abuse to authorities. Of those reported cases, charges are filed 15-25% of the time. Mathematically that means we are prosecuting at most 2-3% of sexual assaults on children. Remember, innocent until proven guilty and we really don’t want to believe anyone could do that. Add that most pedophiles are master con men. They not only groom their victims, they are very good at making people like them and showing how much they care about kids.
BOYT: There seems to be an awareness today that sexual predators are found in the very organizations that we entrust our children to—churches, Boy Scouts, coaches, teachers. Should the groups be screening adults who become involved more closely?
Randy Ellison: If you have any business that deals with kids, pedophiles will be drawn to you for easy access to their victims. Yes, they definitely should screen very closely. They also need a written policy on what they do to protect children, which needs to include that no adult will be in a private one-on-one situation with kids. The policy should be posted where it can easily be seen and every parent and child should have it explained to them and get a copy of it.
BOYT: Are there any clues that should trigger our suspicion so we can protect our children? What kind of behaviors should we look for? How can we tell the difference between a predator and a person who works with children for honorable reasons?
Randy Ellison: We need to be vigilant in protecting our children. Watch for someone paying undo attention to one child in particular. One who offers to take a child out for a treat, offers to give them a ride home, or who gives them small gifts should be red flags. Especially when it is a child who doesn’t get much attention socially or displays needy behaviors. We need to make the choice that it is better to question and report suspicions than to accept and turn away. It’s not about “them” (victims and perpetrators), it’s about us. We need to reprogram ourselves to keep children safe.
BOYT: You suppressed or hid your abuse for about 40 years. Why did you decide to talk openly about it and then go on to advocate for victims of child abuse?
Randy Ellison: I was called to my daughter’s house in the middle of the night after she separated from her husband. Her ten year old son was throwing a tantrum and out of frustration she told him she had called the police. She asked me to come over and talk to him. When I got there I found him hiding in his closet. He was standing there in his underwear white as a sheet and scared to death. I picked him up and sat on his bed and cradled and rocked him. I told him I would never let anybody hurt him. Over the next few days and weeks that image worked on me and loosened the door where I hid my hurt.
I began counseling and as I indentified all my issues and became aware of their tie to my abuse, I went through sadness and then anger and disappointment. In the end I decided I had nothing to lose at this point in life by speaking out. And it was the only way I could give value to the distortions and lack of direction in my life. Being that very few men are willing to speak about their abuse I decided I could use my voice and experience to help others.
BOYT: In your book you talk about how it was difficult to actually look at your abuser as a predator because you had considered him a friend and mentor. Is this typical? Is it part of the reason that an abused person decides not to tell anyone?
Randy Ellison: Yes it is typical in many cases. Part of the grooming process is to get the victim to bond and feel a loyalty to the perpetrator. For me, I just dissociated the abuse behavior from the rest of our relationship. I never thought about it. It would happen and I would put it away and live the more acceptable parts of life that made sense to me.
The loyalty definitely is part of the reason people don’t tell. I know of several cases where pedophile ministers or priests die and their victims come to honor them at their memorials.
Another major factor is fear and shame. Some victims are threatened into silence or feel the abuse was their fault. Especially with boys, they often experience a physical arousal and satisfaction from the abuse, so they feel shame from that and become conflicted over the right and wrong of it. In the developing mind of a child being sexually abused by a trusted adult or loved one is like two trains in a head on collision. The abuse is in direct conflict with everything we are taught about relationships. Every line is crossed or destroyed.
BOYT: When a person is sexually abused as a child, though they may hide this aspect of their past, it manifests in many ways. What are the long-term effects of abuse? How did abuse shape your life?
Randy Ellison: A lot of survivors, me included, feel as though our souls were stolen. My abuse threw me off the track of life. I had thought I would be a minister, but not only did I not do that, I dropped out of college and drifted through several careers and life in general. I never let anyone get close to me and to help deal I became an alcoholic and drug addict. Never let anyone get close. Alone is safe, people are not. We moved a lot as well. It was though I was running from something and doing my best to forget what that was.
Eighty percent of people in residential alcohol and drug treatment programs were victims of abuse. Eighty percent of people being treated for Schizophrenia report abuse as a child. Over fifty percent of women in prison report they were abused as children. Of the 200 men (of which I was one) on the Oprah Show program about male abuse, 80 percent said they had contemplated suicide and 30 percent had attempted it.
Elimination of child sexual abuse is the most impactful thing we can do to change our society for the better.
BOYT: Is it possible to “get over” childhood abuse?
Randy Ellison: Yes and no. There is a loss of innocence that can never be recovered. Child sexual abuse changes you in ways that cannot be reversed. Just like a surgery there are scars that will always be there. Can you recover? Yes. It is said there are three stages of recovery. The first is victim. Some people live their entire lives as victims. The next is survivor. Your life is distorted and maybe even controlled by the abuse, but you find ways to survive. I lived forty years as a survivor, emotionally suppressed, controlling, alone and high on anything I could get my hands on, but I made damn sure I wasn’t anybody’s victim ever again.
The next stage is thriver. You go through a process that allows you to become whole again. Mine involved two plus years of counseling, a lot of soul searching and unbridled honesty. It has also involved letting people back into my life and attempting to make amends to family that I hurt along the way.
There is one other stage that some come to, and that is being a warrior. A warrior to go out publicly and fight the epidemic of child sex abuse, so what happened to them does not happen to other children. It is how some of us put value back into our lost lives.
BOYT: With so many victims of childhood sexual abuse in the world, what hope can you give a survivor of abuse? What would you like to say to readers who have not yet admitted or spoken up about their abuse as children? How can they begin to heal?
Randy Ellison: When we become victims of child sex abuse our emotional maturation stops. We do not develop into the adults we were meant to be. We also lose the rest of our childhood and lock that child away. Once you get to the point of safety where you can begin to deal with your abuse, some amazing things can happen. It is an important and joyful experience to go back and honor that lost child within, even learn to play again.
As I faced my fears and shame I immediately began to mature and develop again. My addictions no longer rule my life. I find myself in new meaningful relationships and making friends. I am no longer alone and I am able to give and receive love freely without fear.
If you have never spoken about or dealt openly with your abuse I encourage you to start with a friend you can trust and open the door. Counseling and therapy is a must. You cannot unpack all you have locked away by yourself. That process will require that you learn to put yourself first. You have value and you were not the cause of what happened to you. It is an extremely difficult process, but one that pays off ten-fold. You will find you can replace fear and shame with joy and satisfaction. I wish you strength for your journey.
About Randy Ellison
Randy works with several organizations on abuse prevention and awareness. He is a member of CAN, Child Abuse Network of Jackson County, which is a collaboration of over 40 agencies working together to impact child abuse in Southern Oregon. He is Board President of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Survivors in Service, based in Portland. OAASIS is a non-profit whose mission is to protect children from sexual abuse and to empower survivors through public awareness, education and advocacy. He is also a member of OAASIS’s Survivors Speakers Bureau. The Bureau exists to “start the conversation” of child sex abuse and give first hand information on surviving and healing into a place of hope and joy. Speaking engagements in Oregon can be booked by contacting Klarissa Oh, klarissa@oaasisoregon.org 503-274-1179 or contact randy@boysdonttell.com. For more informaton, visit http://www.boysdonttell.com/
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