Help Your Child Overcome Childhood Issues with These Strategies
In her What-to-Do Guides for Kids book series, Dr. Huebner teaches strategies to help children struggling with common troubling childhood issues. In such books as What to Do When You Grumble Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Negtivity and What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety, she encourages and motivates children to think and act in new ways while empowering them to work toward change.
BOYT: As a practicing psychologist, what was your inspiration to write?
Huebner: I saw a gap in the literature. While there are plenty of self-help books for adults, there are substantially fewer for children; when I started my series, there were almost none teaching children the skills they needed to manage feelings more effectively. My aim was to create pragmatic, appealing books that would empower children to help themselves.
BOYT: Your books are incredibly helpful in guiding children to overcome everything from bad habits and anxiety to negativity and OCD. Do you find that conditions surrounding “stress” are becoming increasingly common among children?
Huebner: Children are undoubtedly stressed these days, as are their parents. There are so many things competing for our time and attention—from the latest fads to year-round sports, not to mention an endless stream of gadgets that beep and bling and pull us in. The pace of our lives is creating a generation of children increasingly unable to delay gratification, work for the things that matter to them, and entertain themselves. Many children are aware of and frightened by problems in the world, from major weather events to an economy slow to mend. Parental stress plays a role as well. So yes, children are stressed these days—but there is plenty parents can do to help.
BOYT: What are a few of the most important things that parents can do to nurture and support the healthy and stress free development of their children?
Huebner: One of the most important things parents can do is to make sure their children are getting enough sleep. That’s 10-11 hours for the average elementary school age child. Lots of children don’t get this, which means that many children (and adults) are operating with a chronic sleep deficit. The cost of this— physically, cognitively, emotionally—is huge. Parents should also limit screen time, and instead encourage creative free play. But back to your original question, the goal isn’t really ‘stress free’ development. Some stress is good, for example the stress that comes from facing new situations. Children can and should be challenged with the aim of expanding their skill sets and stretching their comfort zones. But of course they need to be taught to manage the stress that accompanies growth. Parents can teach their children about feelings, coping skills, interpersonal relationships, and problem-solving—all of which place children in a much better position to grow in healthy ways.
BOYT: What do you feel is the cause of children developing conditions such as OCD, anxiety disorders, sleeping problems, etc?
Huebner: Research shows that there is a hefty genetic component to anxiety disorders. Some children are ‘wired’ for anxiety, which means they are more likely to interpret situations as dangerous and respond with avoidance and distress. When children avoid the things that are scary to them, or lean too heavily on adult reassurance, they fail to develop the skills they need to help themselves in these situations, to recognize ‘false alarms’ and move themselves through (rather than away from) new experiences. Parents need to walk a fine line between supporting their children without becoming overly accommodating. This is tricky, especially for parents who are anxious themselves.
BOYT: What are behaviors or responses from parents that actually worsen the conditions mentioned above?
Huebner: Probably the biggest mistake parents make is to cater to their child’s anxiety, to provide too much of a safety net. One of the most helpful techniques in overcoming anxiety is something called systematic desensitization (a fancy phrase for getting used to something a step at a time). Parents can help their children desensitize to all sorts of scary things—dogs, storms, separations, the dark—by exposing them a bit at a time, helping them to practice managing rather than running from these things. But it takes planning to do this, and patience, and the ability to tolerate the normal distress children feel when moving beyond their comfort zone. That’s why it’s so important to bring children into the equation—to teach them about desensitization, for example, and involve them in creating a hierarchy of their own.
BOYT: For many children, having a two-parent household isn’t a reality. Is it possible for a single parent to compensate for the missing parent? Are positive role models necessary for healthy development?
Huebner: Single parents cannot compensate for missing parents, nor should they try to. That being said, it is entirely possible for a single parent to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child, especially with the support of an extended family and/or network of friends. Children can get what they need from one active parent, as long as that parent is emotionally available— calm, reliable, nurturing. If the other parent is unreliable or entirely absent, the parent who is present needs to help their children understand this in increasingly accurate and sophisticated ways over time, neither bad-mouthing nor making excuses for the absent parent. And yes, positive role models are important. Fortunately, these can be found in other relatives, neighbors, teachers, even public figures. The trick is to cultivate relationships with people who care about your child, and to actively comment on the qualities you want your child to emulate (“Wow, it’s it great how the librarian remembers what you like to read; she must really listen when she talks to you” or “Mr. Singh is always on time, we can really count on him” etc.).
BOYT: What are tools that a parent can teach their child when they are struck with feelings of worry or anxiety?
Huebner: One of the most important things for children to learn is that feeling worried isn’t the same as actually being in danger. Kids can learn the concept of ‘false alarms,’ and then get good at recognizing them, talking themselves through anxiety-provoking situations rather than backing away from them. Using logic, remembering past successes, and identifying worry for what it is—just a feeling, in no way a reliable indicator of what is actually going to happen—all can help. Calm breathing helps some children, but has to be practiced in order to work (and most kids don’t have the interest/patience to practice it). Physical activity helps, as does purposeful distraction.
BOYT: What type of home environment supports a healthy and nurturing environment for a child?
Huebner: Love is an excellent beginning; fortunately, most parents have that covered! Discipline is important, too—not yelling and punishing, but calm, clear, consistent limit-setting using a system such as1, 2, 3: Magic (by Thomas Phelan). Children need to know where the boundaries are and, believe it or not, are reassured to see that their parents are in control. Feelings need to be recognized and talked about—both positive feelings and negative ones. Children who are ‘emotionally intelligent’ do better at school and with friends, and grow into happier, better functioning adults. Emotional intelligence involves not only recognizing feelings, but also knowing how to manage them. Parents can teach and model how to handle frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, and worry. These are all normal feelings, not to be shied away from, but they can lead to all sorts of trouble for children who don’t know how to express and then cope with what they are feeling. Successes should be celebrated, especially successes that are the product of sustained effort, as the ability to set a goal and work towards it is hugely important for kids.
BOYT: Lastly, if you could offer one piece of advice to parents, what would you say?
Huebner: It isn’t enough to know something intellectually; parenting is all about doing. The same holds true for children. You can tell them how to respond to an annoying sibling, or that the spider in the garage has no power to hurt them. You can explain that taking a deep breath will calm them when they are stressed, or tell them to have a fidget toy on their lap while they are watching TV (to keep their hands out of their mouths), but none of it—none of it— will do a bit of good without practice…practice…practice. So if you, or your child, are trying to change some sort of feeling or behavior, it isn’t enough to know what to do—you have to actually do it. And do it again. And again. Research shows that deliberate, repeated practice leads to a re-wiring in the brain which means that eventually, new skills will become old hat (automatic). Won’t that feel good?!
About Dawn Huebner
Dawn Huebner, PhD, wrote most of her first book (What to Do When You Worry Too Much) on walks to and from her office in downtown Exeter, NH. The rest of her series was similarly conceived, although she eventually set up a computer (and designated a writing day) in a spare room at home. A clinical psychologist in private practice, Dr. Huebner recognized the need for lively, easy-to-read take-home materials to help children practice the strategies they were learning in her office. She created a format effective for 6-12 year olds, teaching sophisticated concepts using metaphors, language, and humor easily understood by kids.To learn more, visit http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/
Additional Parenting Articles You Might Find Interesting: