The Truth on Sexual Intelligence
Dr. Klein has written several books, including America’s War on Sex, and many magazine articles. He also writes and publishes a website, SexualIntelligence.org, that discusses the sexual implications of current events, politics, technology, popular culture, and the media.
BOYT: First of all, as a psychotherapist and counselor, what led you to specialize in sexuality and sex therapy?
Dr. Marty Klein: As a way of reducing poverty and domestic violence, I wanted to help people use family planning technology. I soon realized that this requires that people be comfortable with their sexuality. That’s what I now do—help people be more self-accepting and comfortable with their sexuality.
BOYT: What is your goal with your Sexual Intelligence blog and newsletter?
Dr. Marty Klein: My goal is to educate people about the realities of sexuality, and its connection to media, politics, and our culture. I want to empower men and women so they feel they can define sexuality for themselves, and choose their sexual behaviors according to their unique needs, rather than some romantic or traditional standard that’s supposed to fit everyone.
BOYT: What is your over all philosophy about sexuality and how it affects our society—and vice versa?
Dr. Marty Klein: Sexuality is a glorious, divine part of being human. However, it has been transformed into something to fear and hate by ancient religions, cynical politicians, and poorly-prepared parents. As a result, American society spends a huge amount of money and effort attempting to oppose people’s healthy sexual impulses and behavior. This helps give rise to unhealthy sexual impulses and behavior. Sexual guilt drives a lot of unhealthy sexual behavior.
BOYT: What are the most common sexuality issues that couples and individuals have trouble with?
Dr. Marty Klein:
* Maintaining desire in long-term, sexually exclusive relationships
* Being honest with oneself about one’s sexual desires and preferences
* Being honest with one’s partner about one’s sexual desires and preferences
* Dealing with one partner’s moderate use of pornography
* Dealing with one partner’s poor image of her/his body or sexuality
* Dealing with anger
BOYT: On your blog you mention a “trend of American sex-negativity dressed up as concerns about public health.” Can you talk about that for us?
Dr. Marty Klein: The predominant way American society discusses sex is with a fear-and-danger model: teen pregnancy, date rape, HIV, trafficking, sexual compulsivity. While each of these is a legitimate concern, making these issues the center of every discussion about sex is like making anorexia or diabetes the center of every discussion about nutrition. Many people are uncomfortable with their own sexuality, and by extension they are suspicious of others’ sexuality. They point to society’s sexual problems as proof that sexuality is essentially a dangerous thing that needs to be controlled, rather than a form of life energy that deserves to be celebrated, and about which every deserves an adequate education.
BOYT: You are considered to be controversial. Why is that? How does your approach to sexuality differ? What are some of your most controversial beliefs about sex?
Dr. Marty Klein: Controversial? Me? I think the most controversial thing I do is talk honestly about the way sex really is—sex during your period (use a towel), masturbation (most people do it, and you have a right to do it even if your partner isn’t getting enough sex), birth control (there’s NO excuse not to use it 100% of the time you have intercourse), fantasies (we all have them—and they’re almost always about “inappropriate” people or behaviors), etc. Here are a few specifics:
· Male and female sexuality are more similar than different. Both men and women are anxious about the same things, desire the same things, are disappointed by the same things, and withdraw from sex for the same reasons. Both genders wish that sex were easier and less filled with self-consciousness.
· There’s no such thing as “sex addiction.” Most people who claim that they’re sex addicts simply don’t like the results of their sexual decisions—and they don’t like the pain of making different decisions.
· Unless you want to conceive, there’s nothing special about intercourse. In fact, most people report that their best sexual experiences are from other activities, such as oral sex, kissing, or masturbation.
· Sex has no inherent meaning—each of us gives it meaning. People like to think it has inherent meaning, because it’s scary to think we actually invent sex for ourselves, and can give it any meaning we like.
BOYT: For our readers who would like to improve their sexual experiences, what encouragement and advice would you like to give them?
Dr. Marty Klein:
De-emphasize intercourse.
If you think orgasm—which lasts only a few seconds—is the best part of sex, you’re missing most of what sex offers.
Don’t have intercourse if both of you aren’t ready.
Don’t leave sex for the last thing at night when you’re both tired.
Make dates for sex a day or two in advance. Very few adults have sex “spontaneously.” The spontaneity comes after you’re in bed together—when you can do anything you like.
About Dr. Marty Klein
Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 30 years. He has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate and powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men. He has pursued his goal of a sexually enlightened world through therapy, lectures, writing, lobbying, media, and courtroom work. For more information, visit http://www.martyklein.com/
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